Is your best friend acting more like a frenemy lately? Maybe it’s time to break up. This may sound odd -  the idea of “breaking up” with your best friend, but ending a friendship can be just as heartbreaking as ending a romantic relationship.

I would argue that it could be even more devastating. It’s really hard to make friends as an adult, especially for women. So, when you lose a great girlfriend, it’s a huge loss. They know all your deepest secrets and they’re your right-hand lady. 

I always encourage you to hold onto your friends with all you’ve got, but if you have a friend that is no longer showing up for you or living in alignment with your values, it may be time to end the friendship.

How do you know if it’s time to break up with your best friend? Ask yourself these questions:

• Are you the one always reaching out, initiating plans to see each other? Does it feel one-sided? Pull back a little and see if they reach out or try to see you - this will clearly show you their level of investment. Yes, people get busy, but if it’s consistently one-sided, it needs to be addressed.

• Do they make time to see other people but not you? Do they cancel plans with you for others or when something “better” comes up? 

• Do they take you for granted as if you’ll always be there? Do they act as if you’ll be right where they left you when they do pop up? 

• Do they spend their time on social media showing off their “best life” but never make time for a call or text? 

• When you do talk, is it about people, ideas, or each other’s lives or is it just shallow gossip? 

• Do they only reach out in times of crisis, drama or if they need something or a favor? 

• Do they treat your friendship as transactional? Do they keep score?  “well I did this for you, I was there for you when…”

• Do they name-call/verbally abuse you or other close people in their life? 

• Do they treat strangers or colleagues with more kindness and respect than they do their spouse, friends or family? 

• Do you struggle to find things to talk about or do together? Do you find it hard to find things in common? 

• Have you lost or sacrificed anything for the friendship: other friends, jobs, opportunities, hobbies/interests because of your association with this friend? 

• Are you their only close friend? 

• Do they get jealous or resentful of your other friendships/relationships?

• Do they support your ideas, goals and dreams?Are they supportive or excited for you or do they put your dreams down or not support?

Some other key indicators or red flags may be:

• She’s not a good listener. 

• She is acting dishonest or disloyal to you or other people in her life. 

• She has unhealthy behaviors or has picked up some new bad habits.

• She doesn’t align with your personal values.

• She’s not living up to her own values. 

If you experience one or more of these issues with your friend, it’s time to have a conversation. I always encourage people to at least try to have a conversation and air their grievances, but sometimes it’s okay to just back away and let the relationship fade away. 

You can certainly just back away from the friendship, allow the communication to dwindle naturally and transition your best friend into being an acquaintance that you love and support from afar. 

Ending a friendship does not have to be a dramatic, emotionally-charged event. You can simply remove yourself from the equation and redirect your time and energy into other relationships. You can release them from your space with love and light.

It does not have to be an “all or nothing” or a “love-hate” type of situation. You can have a conversation or walk away and hold them in a peaceful state. 

Remember, they were once very important to you and it’s okay to still carry love for them, even if you are no longer close. 

If you choose to have the conversation…

Be prepared for any and every reaction your friend may have. Watch closely to how they respond.  Of course, there’s no way to control or predict how they will handle the situation, but you know your friend well enough to prepare for how she may respond.

Do not have the conversation if you are in an emotional state. They only need to know why you are upset; they do not need to feel that you are upset. Take time to process your emotions before you talk, then come with just the facts. They will bring plenty of emotion to the table, especially if they are explosive when angry or stubborn.

Do not come with a long list of reasons that they will just try to debate or defend. Instead, just state plainly that you don’t believe the friendship is allowing you to live in alignment with your values and why. 

Have the conversation with a solution in mind - either a way to move forward or a way to exit. Only hash things out if you want to move the relationship forward otherwise you can just ease out of it. 

If they are the type of person who needs it to be a fight or have a dramatic end, you can still hold them in a peaceful state. They will be emotional but you do not need to rise to their level. They may become defensive or even blame you. 

It’s important to watch their reaction. Are they defensive, argumentative, combative if you bring up an issue? Are they focused on a solution or getting their way or being right? 

It’s important to remember that the way they’re acting has nothing to do with you; it has everything to do with their current mood, their past history of friendships, and possibly old trauma resurfacing.

If you have done something wrong to hurt them, acknowledge their pain, apologize sincerely, offer some solutions, and forgive yourself.

But if they persist in arguing, you have to let it be; they can fight alone. They may be swinging with all their might, but you just back away. Let them expend their energy in frustration.

Some people thrive on drama...

They come from a place of hurt and they need the combat to secure themselves in the world. That doesn’t need to be you. Protect your peace by backing away and not engaging.

If they are the type of person that needs to be right, let them be right and walk away. This shows you they need more time to grow. You are mature enough to end it peacefully.

Yes, it’s hard to lose the connection, but if you’re in a friendship with a person who threatens you with ending the friendship or says “we’re not friends” then it's clear how much they valued the friendship all along.

Allow yourself to grieve the loss; you can still love them and wish them well. You can still love them, but the love evolves. 

There is no need to villainize your friend after the breakup - they’re not a bad person. They’re just not showing up for you in a way that aligns with who you want to be. Maybe they'll come back around when they’ve matured a little further in their journey.

Be clear on your values. Operate at a higher frequency. Surround yourself with people who do align with your values and who respect and honor you as a true friend.

In the end...

Breaking up with your best friend can be one of the hardest things to do, but it does not have to be a traumatic experience. You can offer to have a mature, solution-focused conversation or simply back away. Either way, maintain your balance by being clear on your values and hold them in a peaceful state. Surround yourself with people who align with your values and enjoy making new friends.

Looking for More…

Watch the Truthatude TV Episode “How to Break Up with Your Best Friend”

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